Thursday, October 21, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for
Yes, my heart is pitter-pattering due to nervousness.  I'll be honest with you- I'd love to avoid this.  I would love to grab my broom and sweep this one under the rug.  But I'm not gonna... I need to face it.  I need to forgive.  But I don't really know where to start.  You know when your fingers rome around the keyboard like they're all dressed up with no where to go? Yup, meet my fingers at this moment.  I'll just keep this short and sweet.
(I'm procrastinating if you can't tell)

I'm having a hard time choosing the correct words so I don't make the love of my life look like the big bad boogie monster,  Let's just say I didn't have the easiest pregnancy.  As most of you know, Jaelyn was an uh-oh! B.J. (before Jaelyn) was created into a fetus in my womb, I was somewhat anti-baby-in-my-belly.  So was Jeff (minus the somewhat).  
The second I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test, I knew it was love.  I was willing to stick with it and take on the new life that God has chosen for me.  Yes, I was very excited.  Jeff, on the other hand, was on the opposite end of the scale about being a Father and having a "family" to himself.  He had his life planned out to the tee, and he wasn't willing to let anyone disrupt it.  Yes, he was selfish and it wasn't fair.  He had a really hard time giving me the support I needed throughout my pregnancy due to his "resentment" towards me for the "mistake" we made.  He was rarely there to stand by my side, he rarely touched and kissed my belly, and we slowly grew apart.
I've had a really hard time with the way he had treated me during the 9 months of Jaelyn brewin' in my belly (& God bless those hormones, right?).  But Jeff has made a turn around.  It IS possible for an individual to make a change for the better... and that's what Jeff has done.  He is an amazing Father to our Bebe Jae- I couldn't ask for better, and an amazing supporter to our family.  Although he hasn't necessarily asked for forgiveness, I know that in his heart he would love to hear these words from me- "I forgive you"... and I mean it.  He is in love with his daughter.  I am in love with him (& I should be a little easier on him).

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. -Marlene Dietrich
The quality of this photo is awful, but it means the world to me.



  1. I cried. Ok, I cried hard for you on this one. But I think its beautiful and just completely bathed in Hope!

    I love the hope it gives for the possibility of what a child can do to change a heart. I'm so happy that he is the father he is! I can see now, him sitting up on the bench alone, holding his baby out in front of him looking at her face while the rest of us were goofing off trying to get a big family photo done! I love the moment and the beauty of what you wrote just artistically painted a prettier picture of that moment forever. Oh Jen, I'm so happy for you!!!

  2. CHILLS! Thank you, girl!
    I'm off to get the words "hope" tattooed on my wrist- sometime soon. It signifies my pregnancy and the fact that it IS possible to live your life based off of hope. It was a really hard time of my life... and yes, I forgive him. I love him.

  3. Oh dear! This gave me goosebumps. I can only imagine how hard that was to go through your pregnancy with the lack of support from your Hubby. But bless your heart for being so willing to forgive. That would be a very difficult thing for me to get over... as I had a very hard pregnancy. I'm so happy to hear about his turn-around of attitude, and to hear that he's jumped on board with fatherhood!!

  4. I give you props for having the courage to say this on your blog. Does he read it? Or do you still have to say it in person to him?

  5. I cried reading this. You are such a beautiful person. My father didn't speak not a single word to me when I found out that I was pregnant. It was the hardest 9 months of my life. Reading this...challenged me. Thank you.